oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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