my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
