He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
