We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
