Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
