Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
