I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
