Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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