can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
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I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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