I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
