i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
