Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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