so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
