I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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