i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
