All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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