i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up