he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
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He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
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How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.