dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Drunk is a universal language darling
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
