I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
