How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
