So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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