Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
