4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
