Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dicks are not precious.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
