Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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