i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
