the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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