i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
