I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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