I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
