Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
