im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize