Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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