he wants to bone in the snuggie
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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