I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
