I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
pray to the hookup gods
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
