Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
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his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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