why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
