She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
