Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
