Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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