We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
