I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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