Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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