Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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