I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
