I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
