Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
