last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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