I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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