R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
