spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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