Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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