dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
