Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize