The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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