I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
