I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
