I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
