Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
