So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
