There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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